


Things We Want To Forget

by The_small_one_to_rule_them_all



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Campaign: Balance (The Adventure Zone), Fluff, Gen, Happy Ending, Light Angst, Trans Angus McDonald
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-11
Updated: 2020-08-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 08:53:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25846906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_small_one_to_rule_them_all/pseuds/The_small_one_to_rule_them_all
Summary: Angus feeds his deadname to the voidfish
Comments: 3
Kudos: 56





	Things We Want To Forget

Angus reels as the memories of the voidfish hit him. The pain, the destruction, the loss. How could he have forgotten an entire war? After a minute, the shock passes and he turns to inspect the beautiful jellyfish in the tank. “So... the fish erases memories?”

Johann nods, “Yeah, any information you give to the Voidfish, that's what we call it, is erased from the memories of all who knew it except for those who’ve been innoculated.”

Angus nods and after taking a moment to process it all, heads back upstairs. As he is walking back to see the Director he can't stop thinking about the voidfish. But those thoughts are pushed to the back of his mind as he is given a bracer and briefed on his new position here, helping Magnus, Merle, and Taako save the world.

For a while he is lost in the anxiety of the new mission, of the threat of the lab destroying the planet, of the boy’s stones of farspeech going silent, of thinking they might be gone. 

That night, after the boys have gotten back and gone to sleep, Angus decides that he might as well run his thoughts by Lucretia. The thought of telling her about his past and who he thought he was is terrifying. Revealing those secrets has made him lose so many people over the years, but it is worth a try. After all, she can't kick him out now, he is inoculated, he has a bracer, and he helped the team. He has proved his value, surely she wouldn't want to get rid of him or hate him. Right?  _ Right? _

Angus hesitates outside the door to her office, hand raised to knock.  _ What if she tells everyone? What if she takes him off of missions? What if? _ He shakes himself, pushing the anxiety away and knocks.

“Come in!”

He opens the door and steps in shyly fiddling with his hands behind his back. She seems surprised to see him, but quickly composes herself. “Hello Angus, is something going on? It’s late, you should be asleep.”

Angus shrugs, “I know, I tried but I just couldn't sleep. I kept thinking about something.”

“Oh?” Lucretia stands, ushering him over to a couch in the corner and taking a seat beside him, “What about?”

Angus freezes, for a moment he considers chickening out, but no, he came all the way here to talk to her, he might as well do it. “I umm, I'm transgender. I thought I was a girl for a long time, but i'm a boy. This is one of the first places I've been that I was known as a boy before I was known as a girl. It means a lot that i'm able to be myself here. Please don't kick me out.”

Lucretia takes his hand, “Oh, Angus, I’m not going to kick you out! I'm glad the Bureau has been a place where you're able to be yourself. I still accept you and support you, okay? This doesn't have to change anything unless you want it to.”

Angus smiles and lets out a big sigh of relief, “Really?”

“Really, really.”

“Thank you. There... there was one more thing, I uh, I have a question.”

“What is it?”

“Can we give my deadname to the voidfish? A lot of people planetside still know me by my deadname and it... it hurts. I just want to be known as me, as Angus.”

Lucretia is quiet for a moment, surprised, “People back home don't call you by your name?”

Angus shakes his head, “No. A lot of them are in denial that I’m even a boy and those that are okay with it have had a hard time adjusting. I didn't hear my name much until I got here.”

“I’m sorry Angus, I had no idea. Of course we can give your deadname to the voidfish. That can be it's next meal tomorrow morning, okay?”

Angus smiles, “Thank you so much! Can I be there? Can I be the one to give it to them?”

Lucretia nods, “Yes, of course you can. But before that happens I’m going to need your help, all the information has to be written out really precisely so as to not cause too many problems. We don't want people forgetting you all together, now do we?”

“What do you need to know?”

\---

The next morning Angus, Lucretia, and Johann all gather in the voidfish’s chambers. Angus has been smiling since he woke up this morning and he can't stop bouncing on his toes. 

Johann is startled when the doors open and they come in, “Hello director, what is going on?”

“Angus has some information he would like to give to the voidfish. I have authorized it and well, it’s breakfast time.”

Johann looks from her to Angus and back, “What exactly are we giving it? I want to know that it is enough to keep it fed.”

Angus’s bouncing falters as Lucretia turns to him expectantly, “Oh, uh, I want to give the voidfish my deadname,”

“What’s that?”

Angus swallows, “A deadname is a transgender person’s old name that they don't use anymore and is, in essence, dead to them, hence deadname.”

“Oh, well then i’m all for it. You deserve to be treated with respect and called by your name.” Johann agrees in the flattest tone possible.

“Can... can I do it myself?” Angus asks.

Johan smiles, “Sure kid. Here, bring the paper over here, let me see it, just to know how much we’re erasing.”

Hesitantly, Angus hands it over. 

He looks it over and nods, “This should be enough to last until lunchtime, go for it.” He opens the chamber. Angus’s hand shakes a little as he sets the paper in. 

The paper is released and Angus watches as the voidfish slowly grabs the paper and pulls it into itself. Angus smiles wide as a weight is lifted off his shoulders. 

\---

On the day of story and song, not only does Angus hear the memories of that century that his friends endured, but he hears his deadname again. It has become public knowledge now. Everyone knows. His new family at the Bureau, all the people he is ever going to meet. It feels like a horror story come to life and the fear is overwhelming.

For the first few days in the aftermath of the apocalypse he hides away in his room, taking food that was left outside his door, terrified that anyone he runs into around here might use his old name for him. 

Then, the fourth day after the battle, Lup, still in lich form, comes into his room. She finds him curled up on the couch under a blanket reading yet another mystery novel. 

“Hey Angus, Taako is worried about you, says you haven't left your room in days you missed magic lessons. Is everything okay?”

Angus sighs, closing his book and pulling the blanket further around him, “No.”

“What is it? Are you scared of us now?”

Angus shakes his head.

“Well then, what is it”

Angus shrinks even further under the blanket “They all know my deadname now.” he says quietly.

Lup is quiet for a moment, shock sinking in before she softly replies, “Angus, they won't call you by your deadname. They would never do that to you.”

Angus shakes his head, “How do you know? What if they tease me?”

Lup would take Angus’s hand if she could, but instead she floats down to be eye level with him, “I know because i'm trans too, and they never made jokes about it or used my deadname, Not even once in the one hundred plus years we’ve known each other.”

Angus finally looks up at her, “Really?”

“Really. And if they do use you deadname, I will beat them up for you. No questions asked.”

Angus smiles, “You don't need to- Thank you.”

—- 

Lup and Angus join the seven birds, Cary and Killian at lunch that day and Taako smiles wide, “Hey kid, it’s good to see ya! Where you been? It’s been a few days, you even missed magic lessons.”

Angus sighs as he takes a seat across from him, “I know, I'm sorry, I just... to be honest, I was afraid that now that everyone on the planet knows my deadname, you guys might start using it for me or teasing me with it.”

Everyone at the table goes quiet. Magnus sighs, “Oh, Ango, we would never disrespect you like that.” 

“Yeah.” Merle agrees, “If i’m being honest I forgot it already, but even if I did remember, I wouldn't use it.”

Taako looks up from his plate to look intently at Angus, “There are some things you just don't do, and joking about or using someone’s deadname is one of them. We tease you a lot, we know that, but it is all in good fun. We don't ever mean to actually hurt you like that Ango, and if we do, tell us, we’ll never do it again. Promise.”

Angus smiles wide, looking around the table seeing everyone nod in agreement, “Thank you, that means a lot.”

Magnus turns to Angus, “Of course Ango. And just so you know, if anyone ever uses your deadname, you let us know. I can guarantee we will all collectively kick their ass into oblivion.”

Angus smiles, “You guys are the best.”

**Author's Note:**

> Credit for this idea goes to devilish_deuc on tiktok! Thanks for the inspo and letting me run with the idea!


End file.
